Intense pleasure, immense pain. Part One

Twenty years ago when I was at a cross road regarding my future. One path was to get back with my old flame, who I have a drug past with, who came close to killing me in an automobile accident, whose acquaintance raped me and made me lose my soul. The other path was to create a life with a gentle, kind and handsome Welsh boy that I met whilst on an overseas trip.

Now, never one to opt for an easy journey I first choose the Welsh boy who’s so handsome with a massive heart and impressive big willy. But, while waiting for my Welsh Knight in shining armour I thought it a rather brilliant idea to have my bad ass exboyfriend help keep my bed warm until the Knight flew in from overseas.

The old flame dutifully warmed my bed and dutifully fucked me. I soon had those old feelings back, I was back in love with him and fully prepared to let him make an honest women out of me. I had visions of us riding off into the sunset and being together forever. My ex had promised to take me out for a romantic dinner and I was so full of joy, jumping with excitement. Wow, he was really showing signs of being really serious with me. So I got all dressed up and made my hair real pretty and waited. Two days I waited! Two days! It was then it dawned on me that perhaps he didn’t really love me and I was pissed at myself for being naive. When he finally did show his muggy face it turns outs that bad ass ex was also seeing Bubbles the stripper. He was now keeping her bed warm. I recall him gleefully describing playing with her nipples and sharing this with me like I was one of the lads. Oh, yeah he also had a girlfriend! I was part of a love square! My feeling were smashed into bits and thrown to the cold wind to blow straight back into my face to slap me hard. My body went stone cold in a split second. The immense pain was turning my heart dark, I felt like a complete fool. In that moment new I was done for good. Never mind though, I told myself, my Knight was due to arrive soon. I just pretended those last few weeks never happened and buried it deep to save my pride and ego. It’s like nothing ever happened.

Finally my Knight arrives and we spend the next few weeks having passionate, glorious quivering sex for hours, with such intense pleasure. Mr Knight who was originally my plan A, then my plan B (when my ex turned up in my life again) was soon my plan A again and my life journey felt like it was back on track, full steam ahead. All was going marvellously until I realised my period hadn’t arrived. I was excited but worried as a pregnancy this early in a new relationship wasn’t what I had planned and I didn’t want this new journey to get complicated. Off to the doctors for the routine check up was next. I laid on the table for an internal examination expecting to have my dates confirmed to be about 6 weeks. But, no, not 6 weeks along, I was 3 months along! Shit!

Anyway, to cut a long story short, terminated pregnancy, cried, married the Knight, had 4 more children, and thought the journey with the Knight was set in stone for a happily ever after………….

(to be continued)

Lowest point in life

My eldest son has had addiction issues for nearly a decade. Slowly year after year the despair grows watching his life unravel. What started with a few joints with his mates after school turned into selling weed. Next followed inhaling meth which overnight turned him into a daily user. To keep up with the cost of addiction he then went onto selling and stealing. Then came the big idea to make his own to cut out the middleman and take all the profits. Followed by more stealing. There has been many arrests, court fines, incarcerations, police curfews, shady people and stand overs. The half truths, blurred versions of truths, admissions of small facts of situations and endless manipulations.

Finally he is taking small steps towards sobriety but road ahead is a very challenging one. He wants to be sober but is finding it hard. Reality is hard to swallow and looks very different went not high. Feeling emotions again bring pains as he’s been running away from himself for so long. When high he had a false sense of who and what he was. Now, reality slaps him in the face and he has to own up to being a massive inflated knob.

Today I feel sadden and distant seeing the empty shell my son has become. He is facing a long prison sentence and this breaks my heart. Being so far away from him I try to help as much as I can. Whether it be with dealing with lawyers, supporting sobriety or him emotionally, it never seems good enough as simply being with him physically to give a hug. He is constantly confused and swimming against the current with one step forward and three steps back and a hug is sometimes what he wants the most. Finding help for addiction is not easy especially being so far away. It appears that addiction is an industry where profits are made from this misery. This pisses me off, I wish more help was available and more affordable. I have been quoted $300 per session or thousands to a rehabilitation program, money I simply do not have. My body hurts from fatigue and worry. My mind is always in overdrive from problem solving and stress. I just love him so much and pray he recovers one day.

When going to the gym starts paying off.

When a handsome demigod with a physique of a Spartan warrior and the face of a GQ model came prancing into the local gym I totally creamed my knickers instantly. Now, I have been a gym bunny off and on for over a decade and a half and have therefore have seen my fair share of fit men. However, there was something uniquely special about this man, he totally took my breath away.

Continue reading “When going to the gym starts paying off.”