My Saturday day was rather average. It comprised of a day trip to visit family and walking the valleys while being reenergised from the fresh air and idyllic Welsh scenery. During drive to the country side I was messaging my lover to pass the time. I thought things between us was heating up and getting serious. He had revealed a few weeks earlier that he was considering leaving his wife. This news had me excited as I was hoping to see him more. The chemistry between us was was filled with passion and some odd physic vibe. We were very in tuned with one another and this gave me some renewed confidence within myself, a type of inner peace.
As a survivor of sexual abused and rape, it took twenty some years to forgive myself for the for the indecent acts forced upon me. There are moments when my soul is so frail and I become depressed and hate myself. But, for the most part I take care of myself and nurture the inner and outer self. People view me as strong and resilient, I am that, but as polarity has it I can also be the complete opposite, weak and dejected.
As I typed my messages of desires and lust on the keyboard of my phone to my lover my naive imagination floated to a fantasy land. The conversation is kinky with a mixture of submission and a splash of degradation. I get very wet when told that I am a filthy whore and should be tied to my bed. All this arousal is heightened further with promises to fuck my face roughly until I gag and beg him to stop. But then unexpectedly the next message is unnerving. Did he really just say that Im disgusting?
My heart sinks. I stop messaging back. My throat closes up and my heart feels heavy. A million bad thoughts run wildly in my mind. I think ‘WTF did he just say’. Surely it ain’t cool to ever say to another person that they are disgusting. I leave the conversation to reflect.
Slightly calmer and after a nights sleep to ponder the word ‘disgusting’ and the context, I am still upset so address this with him. With a small exchange of me pouring my heart out and expecting an apology, my lover decided I’m being bipolar then decides we need a break for a while. This leaves me feeling worthless and believing that I am actually disgusting. Everything is unveiling, my emotions, my tears, my perception, my confidence and mental health.
The word disgusting triggers me greatly. It brings up all the past hurt and pain of the raped and sexually abused. My mind becomes numb but also goes into overdrive. The word disgusting is like a sound bite on repeat. All historical pain floods my every thought. Self hate thats ahold of each cell in my body. My vibration and energy screams what a loser I am.
Deep down I know his comments and words are not personal. However, can he not at least say sorry for the upset inflicted! The objectification can be soul destroying. I want to be seen for the beautiful and caring person that I am. I am real. I am human. I am much more that a cheap thrill.
The word disgusting unravelled me. That one word holds so much power over me due to my past. My mind is unbalanced and my soul is sad.
Please be considerate of the words you use when communicating as the affects can be insufferable.