I consider leaving. But apart, I fear will only lead to more decay. So, I stay and commit for a bit longer. I tell myself that it’s takes unconditional love, sincerity and care to keep us thriving. Therefore, I try a little harder to forgive, forget, love and care. But, again I just end up standing there alone and unseen.
At night I lay in an empty bed, I dream of warm hugs and tender kisses. It has been this way for such an eternity. Nights are spent dreaming, often exploring the exact opposite of what I believe to be true about myself. So much doubt swirling inside of me. Why? Because the day is spent listening to him defend his mindsets and the night helps me dissolves them. When dark I untangle all our disagreements for perspective. I write all my dreams and thoughts down to try help find some meaning and answers. Why do I feel so unloved by him? Why do I feel so out of control? Why am I so unappealing to him?
There is conflict, but not the arguing type, we hardly fight it’s more or a displeasure of being in the same room. It’s like two atoms unable to occupy the same space. The conflict makes us defensive, breaks my protective covering. Self doubt seeps in and I am vulnerable, ungrounded and questioning reality. There are so many unnecessary blockages between us emotionally, physically and spiritually that’s it is so hard move forward. Can we create something from all the negativity as I feel it’s all fake and transcend towards positivity and genuineness. Merely evaporate it all and become open and alive? It’s been twenty years together and not much has changed.
Tonight I lay here alone again, another night to dream or get lost in a fantasy. Another night to use my imagine and find myself. Another night to get to know my shadow self. Another night of endless thinking. Another night which was just like last night, another night just like the other nights. Another night alone.