My eldest son has had addiction issues for nearly a decade. Slowly year after year the despair grows watching his life unravel. What started with a few joints with his mates after school turned into selling weed. Next followed inhaling meth which overnight turned him into a daily user. To keep up with the cost of addiction he then went onto selling and stealing. Then came the big idea to make his own to cut out the middleman and take all the profits. Followed by more stealing. There has been many arrests, court fines, incarcerations, police curfews, shady people and stand overs. The half truths, blurred versions of truths, admissions of small facts of situations and endless manipulations.
Finally he is taking small steps towards sobriety but road ahead is a very challenging one. He wants to be sober but is finding it hard. Reality is hard to swallow and looks very different went not high. Feeling emotions again bring pains as he’s been running away from himself for so long. When high he had a false sense of who and what he was. Now, reality slaps him in the face and he has to own up to being a massive inflated knob.
Today I feel sadden and distant seeing the empty shell my son has become. He is facing a long prison sentence and this breaks my heart. Being so far away from him I try to help as much as I can. Whether it be with dealing with lawyers, supporting sobriety or him emotionally, it never seems good enough as simply being with him physically to give a hug. He is constantly confused and swimming against the current with one step forward and three steps back and a hug is sometimes what he wants the most. Finding help for addiction is not easy especially being so far away. It appears that addiction is an industry where profits are made from this misery. This pisses me off, I wish more help was available and more affordable. I have been quoted $300 per session or thousands to a rehabilitation program, money I simply do not have. My body hurts from fatigue and worry. My mind is always in overdrive from problem solving and stress. I just love him so much and pray he recovers one day.
100 days 100 confessions 