Recently I killed off two friendships and for two very different reasons. We were tight as thieves, catching up every few days for coffee, drinks and a big gossip. At first it felt very sisterhood, supporting each other, laughing together and really bonding. There were endless nights of gin drinking, deep secret sharing and staggered home after one too many. I felt so lucky to finally have a women friendship circle.
What could test those bonds, rattle our friendship and end all communication forever? Well, friend1 revelled a dark side, a sinful lust and deprave allure. It didn’t immediately click in my mind the little immoral hints she kept repeating. Then one manic Sunday afternoon she blurted out that her friend, a male in his later 50’s, regularly’s molests local young teenage boys. And, to shock me further she added that she saw no issues with this and defended his actions. As I sat there in shock I found my words lost and my heart break. In that split second I found I no longer knew my friend and our worlds far apart.
What followed was months of despair and confusion. My nervous system went into overdrive as I really wanted justice and the man outed. How could anyone defend such acts. Horrid non consensual debauchery behaviour upon vulnerable young innocent boys! Unsure what to do with this information I didn’t dare tell anyone as I wasn’t sure if I would be believed. I also wasn’t 100% sure the story was true so using Facebook I did a quick scan of his account. Yes, sure enough that’s dozens of photos with him embracing young lads. It’s not hard evidence but does painting a distasteful picture.
What does a person do when they hear rumours like this but has no evidence? I dropped my friend and now totally ghost her. To keep those closest to me safe I informed them of this man and his lurid behaviour. On hearing it they nearly threw up.
Friend2 friendship termination was more difficult and equally taxing on my heart and soul. She was also my neighbour and our youngest sons were in the same class. Regularly I would give them lifts to and from school to help her out as she was a single parent with no transportation of her own. But after 18 months of chaotic morning drives, her boys throwing tantrums, her always off loading her problems and me feeling like nothing more than a free taxi, I told her that lifts from me were coming to and end. Well, didn’t I see her true colours shine and attitude change towards me afterwards. Apparently, it’s my duty to share my car and my responsibility to make sure her life was as easy as can be! A true friend would bend over backwards and be a doormat! Be at her beck and call! My car was described as a commodity which should be shared amongst the community! I was now being labelled “odd” for wanting my own space and life back. Seriously, I have not been so used by someone in nearly 15 years.
Worse to come was she began to think she was some victim and started acting like a former partner who wanted revenge. She tried to have me ostracised and excluded socially. Plus, played mind games of running hot and cold, distant then friendly and finally stalking me. The stalking thing really upset me to the point I have to seek counselling.
Not only do I feel violated but deeply hurt for being used. The experience with both friend1 and friend2 were learning lessons. Early on my heart was speaking to me and warning me. But my head spoke louder, head wanted to appease, play the social chessboard, keeping things calm and diplomatic amongst everyone. So, my lesson learnt is to listen to the heart and follow it, let my hearting do the speaking and don’t worry too much about how others feel. I should of told both to go fuck themselves early on, voice how uncomfortable they now made me feel. But, for now good riddance………