For the last few weeks my life feels like a dizzy blur of intoxication. I can barely remember what I did last week let alone yesterday. My heart races and vision flickers while a million thoughts consumes my consciousness. Life mimics a marathon on a tread mill that never stops. I suffer from manic and depressive episodes, at least once every six months to 18 months, and right now my mind is swirling and the anxiety raising.
About two or three months ago I hit rock bottom and had some very dark thoughts. Like a mad person I was screaming for the internal pain to stop, I just wanted the overwhelming pain to end. Nothing made sense, yet my thoughts seemed sharp but desperate. The mind, soul and body wanted rest, peace and tranquility and to escape from this world forever. Howling for hours repeating again and again that I wanted to die, believing that I really didn’t want to breathe one second longer.
The downward spiral had been building for months with manic thoughts of grandeur and success. Every idea a master plan that seemed so credible and attainable. I genuinely believed in my own greatness with endless confidence. Magically, signs and symbols would be everywhere confirming I was on the right path in life. When I talked I couldn’t maintain one thought, my sentences were fragments and from so many different ideas. Thoughts racing, ideas leaping and sentences never finishing.
Then followed doubts, depression and anxiety. Noise would be amplified and vibrate though out my body, irritating my state further.
What saved me? My husband and his kind loving nature, plus isolation from normal day life and keeping a distance from friends. I did try reaching out to my friends but some of them were too self absorbed, one even asserted her own unprofessional advice and let me know she thought I was faking my woes. I did get better with the help from family and still on the journey of recovery.
After a month of reflection I now see what my triggers were. Two so called friends upset me to the core and it caused me the start of being unbalanced, confused and stressed. One blatantly used me, seeing me as the answer to her lack of school transport and shifting her parental responsibilities on to me. Even though I addressed this with her directly to resolve – and was hopeful of saving our friendship, it soon became apparent that unless I did what she wanted there was no relationship.
The second friend just wanted an audience and wasn’t particularly interested in anything but herself. The hours of listening to her repeat the same old story boring as hell. The final nail in the coffin was learning that she had a friend who was a paedo, who would wank off young teenage boys. It blew my mind that she thought this was excusable behaviour. NO……..it’s inexcusable!
My triggers are immoral and amoral people, people with no backbone, people who disrespect, have no or little character and people who play the victim! They can all fuck off. My mental health needs to stay on track, for my family, for myself, and I’m grateful for lessons learnt. Older, wiser, stronger………..but never really knowing what else pops up leading to the next mental meltdown.
What are your triggers? What do you put up with that is unexceptional from other people and how does that effect you and your family?